Everybody needs a chuckle now and then. We're adding the best of the jokes we've come across (the ones suitable for our PG-rated audience, anyway). If you have a joke you'd like to share with our other visitors, send them to us here. Thanks for your submissions and enjoy!
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their housework duties.
The first man married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that he had told her she was going to do all the dishes and all the house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from New York. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He said that on the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married an Oklahoma girl. He boasted that he had informed her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
Got to love those Oklahoma women!!!
Damn cat!
You don't have to own a cat for this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long,"he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keepher from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all the monks are copying from copies and not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all the subsequent copies.
The head monk says " We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point my son."
So, the abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
The young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and the head abbot is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, " What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice the old abbot replies, "The word is CELEBRATE."
The Marriage Proposal
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
5 Secrets to a Great Relationship
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walk into a bar to drink a beer. A few minutes later, a big, tall cowboy struts in and asked," Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Just thought you would like to know your horse is about dead outside."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got Silver some water and soon Silver was feeling better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said," I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure kemosabe," and started running around Silver.
Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts in and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up again and says, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy stares the Lone Ranger in the eye and says...
"Nothin', but you left your Injun running!"
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
There once was a successful rancher who died leaving everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long, hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day
the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heals and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same."
The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and a lot of drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight.
The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One O'Clock and no hired hand yet. Two O'Clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand.
The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. "Now I'm the boss," she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?"
Well, yes," he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. He did as she asked.
"Now take off my shoes." He did.
"Now take off my stockings." He did.
"Now take off my skirt," He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked.
"Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't ever wear my clothes to town again."
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She said to him, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
He answered, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never ever exercise."
"Wow. That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, he pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."
His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies,
"Me too.."
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10%for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."
A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"
"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."
While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing in Wyoming the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage. The housekeeper set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington.
After several hours of looking, she came across an exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper said that no one would
ever know and took the bird back to the White House.
The morning after the Clintons' return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young." A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old."
That afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI BILL!"
Know why you have to take your own ice to Alabama? The only guy who knew the recipe died...
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1999 Turbo Roadster. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The dude replies, "A 1999 Turbo Raodster. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320.
Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhoooooossshhhh! Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!
The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Roadster?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooosh! It goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster?
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! WhoooossshhhhKa-BbbbllaMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt for certain. The guy runs up to the injured old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!!"
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. How long will this take? she asks.
They'll grow larger over a period of years, he replies. The wife stops. Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years? she asks.
The husband shrugs. Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?
Oh Oh, A Smart Blonde!
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"